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That’s it, I’m going to keep this short, because, well… I can’t be bothered with blogging any more. I guess you could say I’ve lost my muse, I’ve no inspiration, my passion for writing has slipped away. It’s hard to put my finger on it, I mean, I’ve hardly cooked anything exciting in recent days.

I guess maybe I got myself too hyped up about that Britain’s Best Dish thing, I felt real confident, but then I never heard anything back from them. I thought I may have gotten a job offer through somebody reading my blog, and taking me on in their kitchen. Even though I have always said I wouldn’t want to work as a chef, I was considering that maybe it was a logical option.

That spark, that love of food I once had is dwindling away. Maybe I’ll come back later in the year, with renewed enthusiasm. Maybe I just want to go off this summer, and get drunk and play some gigs, and not even give a rats arse about eating well, because I’m too busy getting drunk and playing up.

I dunno.

Kristoff

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Yes, more politics… I promise I’ll stop, sometime… but this time there’s hardly a tone of seriousness about this blog post! After watching the election coverage the other night, I have been inspired by some of the frivolous independent parties, and before I continue with my plans, I’d like to give some kudos to some of my favourites.

Obviously when you mention frivolous parties, the first to come to mind is The Monster Raving Loony Party who have always been brilliant, with manifesto pledges such as “introduce a 99p coin to save on change”.

One of my favourites during this election, was Mad Cap’n Tom, whose strongest policy was a pledge to “Fix broken Britain”… “A free roll o’ duct tape, sent t’all homes”.

And an extra special mention goes to Derek Jackson from The Landless Peasant Party, who I’m not quite sure if they’re frivolous or not, or at least if that was the intention… but he held his fist in a defiant gesture throughout the announcement of the result, and Gordon Brown’s five minute speech.

Eventually, he put his hand down

Eventually, he put his hand down

But now… the time has come, the time has come for me to reveal the name of my political party which will run in the local election next year in my area. Brace yourselves, I think you’re going to like it…

THE DINNER PARTY

THE DINNER PARTY

Yes, what else could I call my political party? I had considered The Birthday Party and The Surprise Party, but when I thought of “The Dinner Party” I knew I had found the name, and nothing could change my mind. Although, slightly more important than the name of the party, is my manifesto. Please bare in mind, that as a new party, I am still working on the manifesto, but here are the key pledges.

  1. McDonald’s to be abolished. The Dinner Party’s stance on McDonald’s can be summed up in three words, “Absolutely terrible filth”, and feel it our duty to have the curse upon the UK abolished, and can only hope that all over governments worldwide see that this is an important step towards a brighter future.
  2. 40% taxation on all microwave convenience foods. Once again, The Dinner Party’s stance on microwave meals is very similar towards our stance on McDonald’s, in the fact there is no need, and no excuse for microwave meals. People may say they don’t have time to cook, yet there are many recipes that can be made in the same amount of time it takes to heat up a Weight Watchers Chicken Korma with Pilau Rice.
  3. Come Dine With Me to revisit the city of Preston. Many fans of hit reality TV series, “Come Dine With Me”, agree that the Preston episode was one of the best, with characters such as Dawn Barry, who was constantly drunk, sick and at her own dinner party, fell asleep and left her guests to finish the cooking.
  4. Egg cartons to come with cooking instructions. Sadly it seems that even though the good saint, Delia Smith tried her best to educate people on the basics of cookery, people still don’t know how to boil an egg, we call for instructions printed on the inside of the lid of cartons of eggs, explaining all different cooking methods, including both stages of hard boiled (gooey and solid).

The Dinner Party has a recipe to make Britain great, again!!

If you would like to stand in your local election as a candidate for The Dinner Party, please leave a comment below, and remember, that it is entirely free to stand in local elections, there are no financial obligations, however any leaflets printed, will have to be paid for by the candidate, as I cannot subsidise you, when I have to buy some vanilla pods tomorrow.

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Anybody who knows me, will know that I look up to Heston Blumenthal something silly. If I was a woman, I would probably stalk him, asking him to marry me every day, eventually earning me a restraining order, stopping me from living out my dream of visiting his restaurant… so I’m not going to do that. But here are 6 reasons why I love Heston Blumenthal!

1) Heston can cure peoples MSG fear

Yes, it’s recently come to Heston’s attention that hospital food is bloody awful, and after his success in improving the sub-hospital quality food of Little Chef. But he’s not just curing the hospitals dreadful food, he’s cured the nations fear of monosodium glutamate! Yes, MSG, that little flavour enhancer, everyone freaks out when they see it… but if you have an article talking about the 5th taste, “umami”, and never at any point mention “MSG”, everyone worships him.

2) He has the patience of a saint

During Heston’s time trying to improve the quality of Little Chef’s dreadful menu, he constantly had to deal with one of the worst people in the world, Ian Pegler. Unfortunately (yeah right) Ian has left his position with Little Chef. Ian was an annoying jobsworth jerk. Heston wanted figures, he wouldn’t give them him. Ian wanted 3 Michelin Star quality food, at Little Chef Prices (which although ain’t that cheap, still not going to afford him 3 star standards!!) and constantly saying “blue sky thinking”, “I want blue sky thinking, Heston”… he wanted a punch in the mouth, that’s what!

Heston Blumenthal doing .... ermm... something

Heston Blumenthal doing .... ermm... something

3) He’s all about the retro

If Heston was at the height of his career about 10 years ago, he would have been on those BBC2 programmes, “I Love the 60’s”, etc. He is the king of retro! If you watch his Channel 4 series, Heston’s Feasts, this years series has been more about retro foods than ever! Even to the point of creating his own Pot Noodle!! If you are lucky enough to get a seat at his Bray restaurant, The Fat Duck, you will be sent in the post an atomizer (for want of a better word) with the essence of sweetshop in it, you are given a web address, and then you put together your ideal sweetshop bag of sweets. As you leave the restaurant, you visit Heston’s Sweet Shop, and you are greeted by the smell of a sweetshop, and you get your bag of sweets you chose online!

4) He will cook meat for three days

In short, meat is brilliant, it deserves respect. 3 days at a ridiculously low heat shows respect for meat.

5) SCIENCE!!!

I absolutely love science, I do. I’m fascinated by chemistry and physics, biology, not so much, but all the best scientists specialise! This is why I love molecular gastronomy, the science element. Using centrifuges, usually seen in hospitals with vials of blood, to separate food into it’s component parts. Using whisked egg whites with bubbles blown from flammable gas to flambé a dessert… the man is a lunatic… and yes, there may be many other chefs out there using similar techniques… but do any of those look like a mad scientist, quite the same amount as Heston? No. No they don’t!

6) His cookbook also doubles as a weapon

I don’t approve of violence, but when I save up enough money to buy The Big Fat Duck Cookbook, it will always be next to my bed… not just because it will be compelling reading, not just because it’s over 500 pages, and will take at least a fortnight to read cover to cover (which I will invariably do!)… it weighs 6.3kg!! And I want to be able to say before I die, that Heston Blumenthal saved my life, because if a stranger creeps in my bedroom at night to steal my ukuleles (which they all want to do!), a 6.3kg book will make a brilliant blunt weapon… but only in self defence… well, I say self defence. If I know Olly Smith is going to be appearing somewhere close to me, perhaps masquerading as Lord Flashheart at a Blackadder convention, I’ll find him, and test my theory that The Big Fat Duck Cookbook is a brilliant weapon, and you’ll be the first to know.

Like I say, I love Heston Blumenthal

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