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Well then, my thoughts on Iron Chef UK… where do I start?

Let’s go back to the very beginning, Iron Chef was a Japanese cookery programme, which started in 1993, and the general jist was an accomplished chef challenges one of the “Iron Chefs” in a cook off, all based around one ingredient. With both the Iron Chef and challenger being both talented cooks, there would be some extremely flamboyant dishes created, in order to win points with the judges.

Later on, the format was picked up by Food Network who created Iron Chef USA. Now, usually I cannot stand American cookery programmes (don’t even get me started on Ina Garten, seriously, measuring everything in cups and sticks of butter, always cooking a dinner party, and her gaggle of gay friends will always be on hand to do a lovely bouquet of flowers and set the table, christs sake!), but this is a brilliant American programme, there’s no talking to camera from the chefs, just heads down, working to create wonderful elaborate dishes, the commentator and floor reporter are charming, stand back and let the food do the talking, and it’s great entertainment…

And then some idiot allowed Channel Four to buy rights to the format… brilliant work(!)

Ok, so I sound negative, but the UK format is flawed in so many ways, mainly Olly Smith, but I’ll come back to him later!

We have four brilliant Iron Chefs, in the forms of Tom Aikens, Martin Blunos, Sanjay Dwivedi and Judy Joo… all four of whom are fantastic cooks (I particularly enjoy Tom’s style of cooking, and his personality when he talks to the camera or Olly F&£”&(“*£*”E$**””)%*£”*!ING Smith shines through, and you can see he is a charismatic and charming individual! But one of the flaws is that instead of having the Iron Chef battling against another highly skilled chef, you have an unfair battle of one Iron Chef, against four talented cooks/chefs, but those who are nowhere near the standard of the Iron Chefs.

There is none of the over the top flair shown by either Iron Chefs or challengers, in comparison to Iron Chef USA, there are some dishes which look delicious, but nothing with wow factor. But it’s just not entertaining seeing the same four challengers every day, out of their depth cooking things I could easily knock up in my own kitchen. That’s not what I watch Iron Chef for, I watch Iron Chef in the same way I watch Heston Blumenthal programme, to see food I could never dream of recreating in my own kitchen! And then at the end of each day the best challenger gets a gold star. A GOLD STAR?!, I ask you, the last time I saw anyone give someone a gold star, I was in junior school, and it was when someone had done really well at a difficult sum!

But I can live with this part of the format being flawed, the biggest issue for me, is this man…

Olly Smith, Shiny Haired Aryan Buffoon

Olly Smith, Shiny Haired Aryan Buffoon

Yes, this slick haired idiot is the sole reason that Iron Chef UK will never live up to the quality of viewing, that Iron Chef USA is. This moon faced beaming individual, with the personality of a mosquito that keeps landing on you and won’t shut up is the worst thing about this programme.

Olly hit his stride at driving me mental, when I was ready to put a golf club through the TV to get rid of his voice during Battle Mackerel, when at every point he opened his mouth he made a pirate based pun. I know whenever I think of pirates, the first thought to pop into my head is “oh! mackerel!”. Infact, I’m pretty certain that in Pirates of the Caribbean, Jonny Depp’s character mostly sat about eating mackerel(!)

If maybe it was Battle Rum, I could understand pirate references, but MACKEREL?!?

Honestly(!). Olly’s over the top enthusiasm would be enough to make a tellytubby reach for a machine gun, just to shut him up!

So, what do I think of Iron Chef UK? Well, if in Series 2 (if it gets recommissioned), I’d much prefer for the format to be more similar to the Iron Chef USA format, and if Oily Smith could be left on a remote island with no contact to the outside world during filming of the next series, that’d be brilliant.

Of course, I’ll continue to watch Iron Chef UK, I love nothing more than shouting at my TV screen at that jolly wine slurping long tongued babbling gimp, Olly Smith.

You can catch Iron Chef UK on Channel 4, weekdays at 5pm, or on C4+1 at 6pm

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Great British Menu

Just a quickpress blog post… but Great British Menu is just about to start, a double bill, no less!! Great… another cookery programme to absorb all my free time!!

I may try and do a weekly write up!! lol

18:02 : Oh heck, I may aswell live blog… also… MIDDLE AGED HARRY POTTER IS THE JUDGE/MENTOR FOR THIS WEEK!!

18:06 : SCOTCH PIE?!? That’s not a Scotch Pie, that sounds tasty. Scotch Pies should be fucking disgusting!

18:08 : Fucking prunes. Prunes can fuck off.

18:10 :  “oh yes, it tastes like chicken used to taste”… what’s that then?

18:12 : Ah, I love Middle Aged Harry Potter… he’s so camp

18:15 :  “traditional as possible”… traditional Scotch Pie is 80% gristle, and deep fried

18:20 : Cock-a-Leekie Terrine looks rubbish and bland

18:25 : I think Matt Smith’s Doctor has the adequate phrase for how I feel towards all three of these starters… “Why can’t you give me any decent food, you’re Scottish, fry something”

18:27 : I kinda like this new format to Great British Menu, three chefs, I get to drool over more tasty food… well, hopefully I’ll see some tasty food this week

18:29 : I swear the sitcom “Outnumbered” has appeared from nowhere, apparently it’s on it’s 4 series or something

18:30 : Oh, Camilla Parker Bowles is going to be at the final meal, best stock up on carrots for her!

18:34 : That looks lovely and low fat

18:35 : Wow, posh fucking prawn cocktail, whoopdy fucking doo

18:36 : Actually surprised nobody used any Scottish salmon… you know, Scotland, a country world fucking famous for salmon

18:39 : Right, what the fuck, Jennie Bond… since when has “The King of the Sea” been the lobster?, I googled it and found nothing about lobsters on the front page for images and regular results! You can’t just give things nicknames willy nilly

18:43 : A real king of the sea :

Not a lobster

Not a lobster

18:45 : Also, not to be confused with :

Seaking, The Pokémon

Seaking, The Pokémon

18:49 : Lobster in butter sauce, it doesn’t really say “SCOTLAND”, does it… mind you, neither do any of them… other than the Tattie Scones with the soup dish

18:51 : Is it just me, or does pink lobster, coated in green soup look fucking disgusting?

18:52 : And it’s got fucking salad cress on it. That can fuck right off

18:54 : Dear good lord, that’s a fucking monstrosity

18:55 : I’d rather just have some cold water prawns, ready cooked and peeled in some marie rose sauce, made with ketchup and mayonaisse

18:57 : Ah, he never stops being camp. I love him. Which is funny, considering how much I detest Harry Potter

18:58 : Ooh, I see steak tomorrow. Steak always wins with me!

18:59 : Great… nothing to watch now until Sophie Dahl in an hour and a half. “Oooh, look at me, I am the grand daughter of Roald Dahl, I’m doing my best impersonation of Nigella at the same time as doing an impersonation of Rachel Allen”… but she does have a good recipe for fudge!

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